A Fifth. — We Live Here

Five ways we do more harm than good. (And by we, I mean me. Ways I have done more harm than good, and tried to learn from them)

1) Setting no boundaries. It's like this - you give it your all - you let yourself be available at no cost, with no stipulations and people will use you right up. Humans - we are takers. We take resources, time, lives, money; we like to take. Even with the most well laid intentions, we still take. It's our nature. Giver's like to give, we all like to give, but if you don't set up boundaries on how much you are willing to give (whether that be money, time or stuff) and you will give it all away until you are a shell of person. So whether you are killing it at your job, making a new relationship, or navigating parenthood, set up boundaries and stick to them.

2) Not writing it down. This may come as a surprise to those who know me, but I hate writing things down. I hate making lists, I find them restrictive. I don't need the satisfaction of a list. But I've learned over time the value of taking notes. I journal at work, and it's bailed me out more then once. I love to write down things my kids say - because it's just plain fun to look back on. Write it down - don't roll your eyes and say 'yeah yeah' - just do it. You will like it.

3) Complaining about how hard we work. Here's the deal on this one - we all work hard. Everyone has a full plate, and the moment you go thinking that your plate is heaped up more than everyone else's plate is the moment you have lost your ever living mind. We don't have sayings like 'don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes' for nothing. It means just what it says, we have no idea what another person's life laundry list is, so please please please do not think your's is worse. It might be, it might not be. There is an ebb and flow to these things. Here again, I've done this. I've complained, and generally each time it's happened I have had an open mouth insert foot moment. Because I was left realizing, my life looked pretty darned good from the outside looking in. Oh sure, we all need a little pity party now and again, and life certainly hands us some doozies (hence the ebb and flow comment above). But saying that you work the hardest in life will not win you a prize. So stop saying it.

4) Wishing away time. Oh this one, this one is something that I have to remind myself not to do, because I am guilty as the next crazy, sleep deprived, cluttered house mom. I remember when Memphis was a newborn, I know his father and I both wished time away, heck, I have vivid memories of us hugging each other, with tears streaming and telling one another that this newborn phase, where we would have given almost anything for a 3 hours string of sleep, was only short term. He was nearly 1 before we saw 5 hours of sleep or more a night. And looking back, I wouldn't have traded those(Cade may feel differently...but we aren't discussing Cade, mmmkay?) memories. I blinked and the baby that never slept is 9. Counting down the days to independence from his parents. Don't wish away time. Take each moment, good, bad and ugly and know that it's living. Learn and grow, but please don't wish it away. Someone out there would like to have it back.

5) Not asking for help when we need it. I am fiercely independent. My parents didn't make me that way, I was born that way. Go ahead, ask them. I'm the girl, that when her boyfriend wouldn't help her shorten the wooden dowel to hang the curtains, she took the steak knife to the dowel and shortened herself (said boyfriend, now husband, will never let me live this down). But I am going to admit something - and if you tell my husband - I will deny it. There is a point where, when you need help, you should ask for it. I'm not talking about a whiney, whimpy, "I can't do this" kind of ask. No I genuinely mean, when you are sitting, there, with tears threatening to brim over your eyes, because you just cannot take one more all nighter with the baby, that you ask for help. Or when, you are working a full time job, with a 4 year old and a baby on the way and finishing your M.B.A - that you ask for help. You are never alone in this life, and it took me a lot of lost sleep and worrying to remember that.