Fixer Upper
My dad once told me that the high energy, go go go personality I have and the ability to out work a situation would eventually fade for me. I remember the day he said it - he looked me square in the eye a few years ago and said, “Haircut, eventually your motor won’t run wide open. Take it while it lasts.”
It still runs wide open. It hasn’t let up. But it got me thinking - what happens when it does?
Will life just not burn with with the intensity it does now? Like an old photo - the edges won’t be so sharp. The colors not as vivid as they once were?
I’d like to think that’s not the case.
What is life if it’s not the crisp edges and vivid colors? It’s for sure all that and more. I’m not sure it’s about less energy the older we grow. I lean more towards we become wiser about where we spend our time. I’m the give it all you got girl. The one that will do anything for anyone. No is not in my vocabulary. It’s actually a standing joke with my family. I will do anything for almost anyone and sometimes it comes at a cost to me.
Maybe, just maybe, I am finally starting to learn that no is not a bad word. It’s not about not helping someone, it’s about giving my time where it’s best served. It’s a life lesson for me, but I’m working at making it a part of who I am.
It’s hard for me to give up on something. People and projects alike. And there have been times I’ve been hurt because I’m “all in” and the other person isn’t. I think we call that being the better person, so we don’t feel so crushed when it happens. But is it being better? Or is it just spending too much time on something you will never be able to improve? Giving it all you’ve got can leave you feeling like someone took it all from you.
It’s taken me a long time to say that I cannot be everything to everyone. I cannot fix everything. I cannot make everyone happy. Sometimes we just have to sit in the broken and the hurt to realize that it is part of life. And as much as we think giving someone or something all our time and talent will make our life or theirs better - what if it won’t?
That’s what I think we do as we age, we learn to pick our fixer uppers better. Or at least I hope that’s what I’m doing. One project at a time.