No answers

I recently bought a tank of gas for someone, not because they asked but because I wanted to.   As our conversation unfolded it became evident the biggest worry for my friend was how they would make it the rest of the week on a quarter tank of gas, and it was a Monday.  As we wrapped up our conversation and prepared to go our separate ways, I simply said "Hey, follow me to the gas station, I'll fill your tank for you."

I'm not looking for approval or disapproval that I bought someone an unsolicited tank of gas.  But what struck me in the interaction was the reaction I got when I offered to fill the gas tank.  My friend started to cry.  I've filled gas tanks for others before, because frankly I cannot help but worry too when I see someone else trying to make a go at life and they can't get the gas to do it. But this time was different.  My friend started to cry when I made the offer. 

I'll interject at this point of the story to let you know, crying is outside of my comfort zone.  Little kid crying, well I'm immune to that.  I've had 11 years now of hardening to the kid cry and whine. I just don't cry very often myself.  And so when someone cries unexpectedly on me, it makes me worry.  It catches me off guard.  I'd say my heart is black, but I've been told recently it's not.  That it's magenta.  That I'm intense but not cold.  And, along those same lines, I can certainly relate to someone when they are moved to tears, I can understand why they might be emotional.  But it won't move me to tears.  So know this as a little background, and then picture me standing there, with my friend, offering a tank of gas, while she weeps.  Yeah.  It was awkward for me. 

You probably should also know I don't like to hug adults.  If you're not my husband or a child, I would just prefer not to get into your personal space like that.  A nice firm shoulder pat does it for me.  No need for a hug.  I've been to funerals where everyone is hugging, and I've had to rely on my very dear friend (who loves a good hug) to be my designated hugger.  Yep.  She knows who she is and she'll step right up for me.  

So there I stood, with a gal I didn't know that well, in an awkward exchange as I offered up a tank of gas and she wept.  I didn't really feel compelled to hug her (probably most would feel the need to hug) and I certainly didn't want to join her in crying.  So, I did what any non feeler, ENTP Myers Briggs personality type would do -- I squeezed her shoulder and I told her that I was happy to help out where I could and I hoped it eased her mind for the week. And then we went and got the damned gas.

All joking aside, I've been thinking about that exchange for awhile now.  I literally changed someones outlook on LIFE by a simple gesture of buying a tank of gas.  We get ourselves caught up in debating so many social and political issues, we struggle within ourselves worried about if we are keeping up with our neighbors, if we are giving off the right image (or judging someone who we think isn't living up to our standard), if we are offending someone because we wished them a Happy's Mothers Day but we left someone out or made someone feel lesser, if the podcast we listen to is enlightening enough, if someone isn't carrying their share of the workload on the job, if our kids and our friends kids are going to the right school, or if someone said Yanny or Laurel,  that we loose sight of what is going on with people around us.  I'm not talking about the people in your social circle.  I am not talking about the ones we invite to a dinner party or the one's we go to a concert with.  I am talking about the people that we don't see.  The servers, the cleaners, the truck drivers, the cooks, the farmers...the folks that work behind the scenes.  

Are we so caught up with what we think is wrong with our close social circle, with the people that we "see" on Facebook or Instagram or run into at church that we don't really see people?  

I'm guilty of it.  I'm sure you're not, likely I'm the only one that has this problem.  I get caught up in the day to day issues and I forget what others may be going through.  I heard this said at a conference the other day:  "Everyone wants service.  No one wants to be a servant."  And it hit me profoundly.  Because I see this everyday.  No one wants to be the person helping others, we want everyone bending to our whims.  We deserve to have our every need met, we deserve to spend time with our family, we deserve to be able to head off on a vacation, hang out with the people we think are 'cool' or 'influencers,' go shopping, spend time cuddled in tight on the couch to watch a movie with our kids.  We deserve it all.  And those unseen, well it's not that they don't deserve that, it's just that we don't want to think about that struggle.  

I'm sure I've hit a nerve with someone here.  So I will say this, I give my time to those less fortunate than myself too, just like you do.  We donate to Goodwill, serve meals to the homeless, donate warm clothing to special giving Christmas trees in the winter.  And I'm not trying to promote some liberal or conservative agenda here, when I tell you how important social safety net programs are or are not.  That's my whole point in this; we are so wrapped up in all the hub- bub that media and politics has created, we are so locked in on making sure that we keep up the appearance of practicing thoughtful giving that we don't actually see people.  My story about the gas wasn't to make you recognize that I did something nice for someone, it was to make ME realize that what I really need to do is see people more for what they are, a fellow person, trying to live in the world just like me.  Only instead of worrying about board meetings, kids extracurricular activities, how healthy the lunch we prepared is, cool photography, being liked by everyone or long term career advancement, they are trying to think day to day, one tank of gas at a time.  

I do not have the right answer to this dilemma.  I don't know how the social divide in this country ends up.  I do know the middle class is shrinking.  That I have a whole lot of people I call friends working in the behind the scene jobs, making very little money and despite their hard work, the ends aren't meeting. I might not make grand gestures, I certainly won't be able to turn the national tide but I know that every day I strive to make someone's life a little a less full of worry.  It's a special thing to walk side by side with someone you normally would never notice.